Sex Machine

The code, and its propagation.  We breeders - it's what we're all about.  And once it enters your life it never leaves.  Like most boys, I started just before my teens.  An innocent, an amateur, fumbling with code alone in my bedroom, exploring BASIC fundamentals, what the hardware could do.  A single note - a  simple, endless repetition:

   10  wank
   20  goto 10

With my later teens were the dating/gaming years.  And those games took over my life - every evening and weekend swallowed by the pursuit of a score.  Sex was quick and competitive - rubbing her like I was getting a ZX Daley Thomson to run the 1500 metres.  I hunted high and low for a girl's cheat codes - The secret combination of buttons that, pressed in the right order, would unlock her deeper levels.  The kissed earlobe, the stroked inner thigh, the warm breath down the back of a neck, or over the phone.  Thinking there was a short cut, a trick that would get me straight into her knickers:

   UP-UP-DOWN-DOWN-LEFT-RIGHT-LEFT-RIGHT-FIRE!

But the gameplaying was simply that - distraction, when I should have been building my coding skills.  In my early twenties, it became less about the quick, gratifying win, more about stamina and technique, having a firm recipe to follow.  I found that, for a good hard old-fashioned fuck, you couldn't beat a bit of FORTRAN - artless and mechanical yes, but effective and reliable. The type of routine the two of you could run half-asleep, drugged and exhausted by each other, sexual automata:

*==============================================================*
    PROGRAM  SEX
*==============================================================*
*   sex.f (FORTRAN 77)
*   Program which calls sub-functions FOREPLAY, ORAL and FUCK
*   Code (c) The Overnight Editor 2007

    OPEN (RELATIONSHIP, PARAMETERS)
    IMPLICIT (CONSENT)
    REAL INTIMACY

    AROUSAL_INITIAL = LOW
    BOREDOM_INITIAL = LOW

    DO LUST = 1, SLEEP

        FOREPLAY(GENTLE, EXPLORATORY)
        ORAL(SLOW, RELAXED)

        FOREPLAY(CONCERTED, CERTAIN)
        ORAL(FAST, INSISTENT)

        FUCK(SLOW, LONG, MISSIONARY, PACED)
        ORAL(BRIEF, DESPERATE)

        FUCK(FAST, SHORTER, MISSIONARY, BUILDING)
        FUCK(FRANTIC, BRIEF, DOGGYSTYLE, EXHAUSTING)

    ENDDO

    STOP
    END

*--------------------------------------------------------------*
    FUNCTION FOREPLAY(AROUSAL, BOREDOM)
*--------------------------------------------------------------*
    INTEGER STROKE_HIM, STROKE_HER, AROUSAL_MAX, BOREDOM_MAX
    AROUSAL_MAX = AROUSAL
    BOREDOM_MAX = BOREDOM
    AROUSAL = 0 
    BOREDOM = 0
    STROKE_HIM = 0
    STROKE_HER = 0

    1    STROKE_HIM = STROKE_HIM + 1
    STROKE_HER = STROKE_HER + 1
        MAKENOISE(VOLUNTARY, GUTTURAL)
        IF(AROUSAL.GT.AROUSAL_MAX) EXIT
        IF(BOREDOM.GT.BOREDOM_MAX) END
        AROUSAL = AROUSAL + 1
    BOREDOM = BOREDOM + 1
    GOTO 1

    RETURN
    END

*--------------------------------------------------------------*
    FUNCTION ORAL(SPEED, APPETITE)
*--------------------------------------------------------------*
    INTEGER TONGUE, LAPS_MAX
    LAPS_MAX = SPEED * APPETITE

        DO TONGUE = 1, LAPS_MAX   
            MAKENOISE(INVOLUNTARY, APPRECIATIVE)
        ENDDO

   RETURN
   END

*--------------------------------------------------------------*
    FUNCTION FUCK(SPEED, DURATION, POSITION, TIREDNESS)
*--------------------------------------------------------------*
    READ (POSITION)
    REAL THRUSTS

    IF (THRUSTS.LE.TIREDNESS) THEN
        DO   
        1   IF(THRUSTS.LE.DURATION) THEN
        THRUSTS = THRUSTS + SPEED
        GOTO 1
       ENDDO
        TIREDNESS = TIREDNESS + 1
    STOP
    ENDIF

    RETURN
    END
*==============================================================*

In my late twenties things changed again - sex became secondary to relationships.  So a few years ago - and some years later than most of my peers - I started to learn Object-Oriented Programming.  Languages such as Java, dedicated to describing the relationship of one thing to another, and the ways they interact:

public class TypicalRelationship(OvernightEditor,Woman)
{
  public static void main(String args[])

  int Encounters, NumberOfEncounters;

  Woman.IsNiceTo(OvernightEditor,inadvertantly);
  OvernightEditor.Misinterprets(Woman,situation);

  while (Woman.Realises==FALSE)
  {

    for (Encounter = 0; Encounter < NumberOfEncounters; Encounter++)
    {
      Woman.IsNiceTo(OvernightEditor,inadvertantly);      
      OvernightEditor.delusion = OvernightEditor.delusion + 1;

      if (OvernightEditor.delusion > Woman.Obviousness.Threshold)
        Woman.realises = TRUE;

      if ( Encounter = random || OvernightEditor.ClumsilyEngineered(Encounter) )
        NumberOfEncounters = NumberOfEncounters + 1;
    }
  }

  while (OvernightEditor.GetsMessage==FALSE)
  {

    if (woman.sobriety==FALSE)
    {
      Woman.SendsMessage(OvernightEditor,direct);
      OvernightEditor.GetsMessage = TRUE;
    }
    else
    {
      Woman.Avoids(OvernightEditor);
      Woman.SendsMessage(OvernightEditor,indirect);
      OvernightEditor.confusion = OvernightEditor.confusion + OvernightEditor.delusion;
    }
  }

  for (weeks=0; weeks==months; weeks++)
  {
    OvernightEditor.Loathing.Self = OvernightEditor.Loathing.Self + 1;
    Woman.Guilt.Needless = Woman.Guilt.Needless + 1;
  }

}

Finally, now in my early thirties, communication has become the key - where HOW something is said is at least as as important as WHAT, and how something will be interpreted depends, of course, on the other party's context.  We are all in the realm of Extendable Mark-Up Langauge (XML) with its beguiling simplicity - hiding complexity - its love and lies; the indented stanzas of 21st century social intercourse:

<?xml version="1.0" encoding="ISO-8859-1"?>
<!-- Edited with XML HumanMale Communications Suite Version 0.9 -->

<link media="screen" href="http://overnighteditor.typepad.com/styles/common.css" type="text/css" rel="stylesheet"/>

<conversation>

   <statement author="her">
      <question type="rhetorical" intent="fishing">
     Do you like this top?  It's new.
      </question>
   </statement>

   <statement author="him">
      It's beautiful.
      <lie class="abject" type="obvious">
     I noticed it as soon as you walked in.
      </lie>
      <compliment sincerity=FALSE intent="flattery">
     You look lovely tonight.
      </compliment>
   </statement>

   <statement acceptance=FALSE provocation=TRUE>
    Actually I wore it to that dinner party last week.  I think you preferred the top the hostess was wearing.
   </statement>

   <statement annoyance="visible">
      OK then, you look terrible.  Is that better?
   </statement>

</conversation>

What's next?  Search me.  The only constant in this part of my life has been that, as soon as I get close to mastering anything, something new comes along to take its place.  I just hope I can grasp the new syntax quickly enough to keep pace.

Comments

[Quink]

Fine blog by the way - glad to have found you.

[oe]

Yeah... amusingly enough I wondered about including the semi-colon.

I decided it was more of a narrow, endless column rather than the screen-full.

[looby]

Excellent, that's very good. All those different languages and still no-one seems to be getting anywhere.

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[The Girl]

This is brilliant on so many levels, just excellent. I am jealous but admiring of your cleverness and superb writing ability; your archives clearly deserve some thorough perusal...

[oe]

Coming from you, Queen one-track, that means something...

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